Saturday, March 24, 2012

Back on Six Sentence Sunday--Austin

Hi, all.

It's been a couple weeks since I've participated. Computer problems and stuff kept me away! My entry this week is from Austin (WIP) and this bit is in Jamie's POV:

The arrival of the ambulance came as a welcome relief. Jamie had only ever seen two dead bodies—her grandparents'. And they had been embalmed and laid out in their caskets when she looked into their familiar faces. Not sprawled out on the red clay earth like an abandoned rag doll. As sheriff, she’d be expected to see the occasional body, but the first one being an old friend made it tougher than she expected.

She looked toward the mountains as the two EMTs loaded Kate’s body into the ambulance and slowly rolled away.

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34 comments:

  1. Sure hope all your PC problems straightened out. Jaime's job as sheriff seems to be hitting home. Nice six.

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  2. That's rough... her first body being a friend. Nicely laid out. Nice 6.

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  3. Intense Six D'Ann...feel back for her to have to see something like that.

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    1. Yeah, she had it a little rough there, Christine.

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  4. Awesome six! Full of sensory detail! Love it, friend!

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    1. Thanks, Jenn. I'll be sending it your way soon.

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  5. Poor girl. Can't imagine seeing a dead body like that, let alone your friend! Great six D'Ann.

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  6. Wow, I imagine she'll be in shock for awhile

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    1. Yes, she is. Thanks for coming by!

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  7. I hope Jamie can pull it together after his shock. I know she's a tough girl, but this sort of thing can get next to you. Great six!

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    1. Thanks, Jenna. Yeah, she's tough.

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  8. D'Ann, great six. I love how you showed she wasn't immune to seeing dead bodies--and especially since it was a friend of hers lying on the ground.

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    1. Hi, Brenda. Kate being a friend really hurt.

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  9. Seeing dead bodies is something you don't ever want to be totally immune to.

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  10. Very captivating six. I feel for her already and I don't know much about her character.

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  11. That would be tough to see. Great six! :)

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  12. Wow. She's such a sympathetic character, and so quickly in just six lines. A very difficult situation I can feel with her. Fabulous job!

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. Appreciate it.

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  13. Very nice... There was a lot of information rolled up in that six. Amazing how much you can say with so little.

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  14. Not sprawled out on the red clay earth like an abandoned rag doll. this is a great sentence.

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  15. Great six! I really feel for her.

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  16. Hi D'Ann, forgive me. I see an opportunity for even more power in this paragraph. The sentence about the grandparents could be reworked to add more emphasis on Jamie's internal emotions. Consider removing the conjunctions to create a list. [They had been embalmed, laid out in their caskets, familiar.] I would also consider reworking the use of the word 'expected' in the last sentence, maybe by use of repetition. [She'd expected to see the occasional dead body and she'd expected to...] then possibly backloading the paragraph with the shocker. [What she had not expected was...]

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  17. This is an intense six, D'Ann. I do like the suggestions Karen made, too, to make it even more powerful. I'm also a bit curious, coming into your story late. How did she get to be sheriff and has only encountered two bodies? That must be an interesting back story!

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  18. I get the impression it's a new job, and one she hasn't really expected that angle of? Very moving 6.

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